Author Archives: sgolob@gmail.com

10 Strategies For Dealing With Anxiety

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OK, seems like another post where I’m inspired by Ryan Holiday. But I don’t think he’ll mind given I have an audience of two. 😉

Ryan posted a great video where he lays out 10 strategies for dealing with anxiety. It’s a beautifully short set of insights. Watch it.

  • Focus On The Little Things = 01:39
    • One step at a time. Followed by another and then another. When you feel overwhelmed, just focus on the first step. And give it your all. Do your best. When you string these steps together, you can accomplish great things.
  • Practice Gratitude = 02:29
    • Both are key words – practice and gratitude. With so many things competing for our attention, what voice deserves to be heard? “Focus determines your reality,” right QGJ?
    • Practice – like we do for almost every other skill we’re trying to improve. You don’t magically wake up and dominate on the mound. You need to put in the time and effort to practice…
  • Have No Opinion = 03:21
    • In a society where we judge others and ourselves all the time, it’s novel to think we can just decide to have no opinion about something. It’s liberating to just acknowledge something without judgement/opinion.
  • Stop Caring About What People Think = 03:55
    • Not to be confused with being a selfish jerk… As parents, we’ve always emphasized being respectful, kind and thoughtful to others. But there’s a clear separation between thoughtful and allowing someone’s opinion to overpower your own sense of right and wrong. To allow others to sway you from your chosen path, pursuit of your dreams.
  • Process Your Emotions = 04:23
    • Recognize your emotions. Deal with them. Pay attention. Don’t suppress how you feel as it will only come back to bite you later.
    • Journaling can be hugely helpful on this one.
  • Don’t Suffer Imagined Troubles = 05:39
    • One of my favorites as it’s painfully true. We suffer more in our imagination than in reality. All of the things we’re worried and anxious about – most never happen. Essentially, we’re volunteering to be miserable. Paying a debt we don’t owe…
    • You’ve heard me paraphrase Mark Twain all the time – “I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.”
    • This worry also comes at a price of not being present. We should do our best to prepare for the future, but we mainly have influence over the present.
  • Choose Not To Be Harmed = 06:32
    • “Don’t want to be harmed, don’t choose to be harmed.” – Marcus.
    • Just like we choose how to respond to something, you have to choose/decide to be harmed by someone.
    • We control the story we tell ourselves about what happened. Choose not to see yourself as harmed and you’re aren’t harmed.
  • Go For A Walk = 07:19
    • Walking is a magical way to relax, clear and focus the mind. Try to walk every day. Even better if you can leave your phone at home…
  • Keep A Journal = 08:27
    • Journaling can help clarify thoughts, process emotions, practice gratitude, set intentions, help tomorrow be better than today, etc. Just start. Even a single line. I like the Five Minute Journal, but anything can work.
  • Grab The Right Handle = 09:05
    • Perspective. There’s always a different way to view a situation. Choose the path which makes you stronger, better, more resilient. Be cautious of viewing something through the lens of being wronged, something’s unfair, etc. Choose the handle which bears weight and in turn will make you stronger for it.

It’s amazing how Ryan gives so much practical advice in such a short video. Just watch it and then re-watch it again and again a few weeks later. Pearls of wisdom that I’m so grateful to receive and share.

Take a Breath – Try the 4-7-8 Method

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“Just take a breath and relax…” The 4-7-8 breathing method is super easy and fast. Give it a try!

  • 4-7-8 Breathing Method
    • The 4-7-8 breathing technique, also known as “relaxing breath,” involves breathing in for 4 seconds, holding the breath for 7 seconds and exhaling for 8 seconds. This breathing pattern aims to reduce anxiety or help people get to sleep.
      • Close your lips and inhale through your nose for a count of four. 
      • Hold your breath for a count of seven. 
      • Exhale completely through your mouth making a whoosh sound for a count of eight.
      • This completes one cycle.
    • Continue for four cycles.
    • Twice per day.
    • Bonus prize if you practice for a month.
    • Dr. Andrew Weil has a great 2 min video showing the method.
4 7 8 Breathing: How To, Benefits, and Real Life Uses

Long Term Travel

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Long Term Travel (LTT) is a must.  Something like 6+ months.  No fixed return date is optimal and 3rd world destinations can be game changing.  LTT is a journey of self discovery.  We’re all conditioned through years of habits, routines and patterns.  LTT is the ultimate disruptor.  You begin to discard some of these layers while you travel.  And after awhile, you begin to molt, shedding the old skin to make room for new growth.

As with all travel, it’s a tidal wave of input.  Shocked into alertness and snapped into the present. But it’s a completely different experience from a 2 week vacation to Cabo.  It’s like waking up and coming off auto-pilot.  It’s taken years to build up that exterior and it takes time to unravel.  LTT challenges you in different ways than a vacation by the shear enormity of the trip.

Consider staying in youth hostels or somewhere off the grid.  Keep expenses down and experiences up.  Don’t have too many plans.  Be open to where the wind blows you.  Some of the best opportunities for both growth and fun come from getting to know fellow travelers.  Perhaps you’re in Costa Rica and come across a group of Germans, Australians and Israelis in your hostel.  A night of talking, debating, arguing, laughing…  Priceless.

LTT is a teacher.  A purveyor of experiences.  See, it’s those years of habits and routines which make up our exterior.  Our skin.  But it’s not who we truly are.  You discard these layers, like pealing an onion, revealing something more genuine.  An opportunity to think about what’s really important.  Your values.  Goals.  Morals.  Who are you?  What do you want to get out of life?  The enormity of this precious, fleeting gift.

Consider going after college or in-between jobs.  Things have a way of getting more complicated as you age, so don’t put it off for a future which may never come.  Go where you’ve always dreamed of and then dream some more.  Be open to possibilities.  Have genuine conversations.  Keep your eyes open and off screens.  Learn.  Go solo or with friends.  And, if you pay attention, a different version of yourself is revealed.  And, heck, at a bare minimum, you’ll end up with memories which will last a lifetime.

For specifics on how to actually do it, read Vagabonding : an uncommon guide to the art of long-term world travel – Rolf Potts.

Additional Resources:

How Can I Be Happy?

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How can I be happy? Wow – that’s a big one… Just asking this question means you’re on the right path, you’re examining your life, so good job! It’s also a question without a simple answer. In the end, each of us must unravel this riddle for ourselves, but know that happiness can be practiced and developed. It is absolutely possible to become a happier person.

First, how do you define happiness? There’s a misperception that happiness is feeling wonderful all the time, some kind of bliss. But that’s not true. I sometimes think of it as what it isn’t. An absence of fear, anger, anxiety… The state where things are good simply because there is an absence of bad. Some call it spiritual happiness where we feel at peace and content with ourselves and our lives. Others believe that living a life with purpose is the real key to “happiness.”

A good place to start is understanding the difference between what we can change and what we can’t. What we have influence over and what we do not. Time is our most valuable commodity and is spent with attention. Qui-Gon Jinn was spot on when he said, “your focus determines your reality.” Jedi wisdom for sure. Our attention has a huge impact on how we experience the world.

Next, focus on what you control. The biggest thing we control is our response. While we don’t have a lot of impact over what happens to us, we have a real choice over how we respond. You can choose to take a few breaths before you respond since it may allow your initial emotions to subside, especially if feeling angry or frustrated.

So, what deserves your focus and attention? One option is to begin with gratitude – for both the big and small things. It’s an easy and effective way to become happier. Simply spend your attention on the good things. And what even makes something “bad?” Perhaps it’s actually an opportunity to learn, grow and become stronger. Maybe that “bad” event turns out to be the best thing which ever happened to you. It all depends on how you respond…

As we dig deeper, it makes sense that to enjoy the present, we actually need to be IN the present. Most of us are constantly engaged in self chat, where we are stuck in a discussion with ourselves, often thinking about the past or the future and just drifting through the present. Sure, it’s important to learn from the past and prepare for the future, but we only live in the present. You may be anxious about an upcoming trip or upset about past performance, which means you’re not in the present. Worrying too much about something which hasn’t happened is volunteering to be miserable.

The present is a continuous string of events – it’s impossible to hold on to them as they are like grains of sand flowing through your fingertips. But if you slow down and focus your attention and awareness, you can catch a glimpse of something wonderful. A perfect pitch. The sweet sound of a barreled ball. The comfort of a hug, joy in a smile, beauty of a sunset… And then you feel it. You’re at peace. Even if just for a moment. Connecting with the present. And you’re content – you’re happy.

Happiness can be learned and practiced. Build good routines and habits. And cut yourself some slack. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Forgive others, but more importantly, forgive yourself and keep trying. We are human and imperfect, with good days and bad. Sometimes we just need to get through the day knowing that tomorrow always brings something new. And if all else fails, just smile. Really, try it. 😊

Things to try, find something that works for you:

  1. Deep breathing
  2. Meditation
  3. Stoicism
  4. Gratitude practice
  5. Journal
  6. Exercise
  7. Friends
  8. Sleep
  9. Time outside
  10. Screen limits
  11. Spirituality
  12. Stop judging
  13. Work hard and with a purpose

Links:

  1. TED Talk – How to Be Happy Every Day
  2. Dalai Lama’s Guide to Happiness
  3. Tim Ferriss – Happiness
  4. Naval Ravikant – Happiness

What are you trying to maximize?

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Min/Maxing… I like to think of it as being efficient. But what exactly are you trying to maximize? It’s easy to lose sight of priorities. Perhaps trying to maximize credit card points causes tension with a spouse who doesn’t share that same passion. Maybe min/maxing video game progression comes at the cost of family conflict…

What are you trying to maximize? Do your actions align with your values? Is your conscience alerting you to a problem? Be sure to maximize your true priorities.

Stoicism – life philosophy

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We can’t control what happens to us, but we can control how we respond. Someone cuts you off in traffic – you can choose how to respond. Do you get angry? Do you view things from a different perspective? Do you just blow it off and not give it a 2nd thought? You can choose how to respond. Don’t get picked for an all-star team? Didn’t get the job you desperately wanted? How do you respond? Do you view things as unfair and unjust, rage and get angry? Or do you focus on what you control, get motivated to practice more, try harder, look for other opportunities?

OK – easier said than done. A few tips: Take a breath after the initial event. Slow down. Consider different perspectives. Don’t take things personally. View life through the lens of gratitude and opportunity. It’s generally draining an unproductive to feel angry. Remind yourself that no one makes you feel a certain way. You can choose differently. And just keep trying…


Ryan Holiday states it clearly, “the single most important practice in Stoic philosophy is differentiating between what we can change and what we can’t. What we have influence over and what we do not.” The more we are aware of this key difference, the better we can use our time, focus our attention, control our worry and anxiety, etc. Our minds are an endless stream of self talk, chatter, noise. Stoicism helps filter through the mass of useless, counterproductive thoughts and hone in on what’s truly important. Attention is a valuable and limited commodity – spend it deliberately.

One of the most iconic stoics is the Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius. He journaled constantly in Meditations. These were his private thoughts. He didn’t write them down for anyone else, but for himself. To remind himself of what was important. What he could influence. What deserved his attention. This stuff’s hard – that’s why we practice.

Finally, Tim Ferriss explained stoicism as an operating system for thriving in high stress situations. It’s worth exploring.


Choices

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roads-diverge

Life is a series of choices.  Be mindful.  Be honest with yourself.  Don’t let fear or naysayers dissuade you from pursuing a goal.  Doing something you are afraid is one of the best opportunities to grow.

 

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do.  So throw off the bowlines.  Sail away from the safe harbor.  Catch the trade winds in your sails.  Explore. Dream.  Discover.”

-Mark Twain

Pale Blue Dot – Perspective

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pale-blue-dot

There are more stars in our Universe than there are grains of sand on all the beaches of Earth.  And conversely, a single grain of sand has more atoms than there are stars in the Universe…  How can we process our own insignificance in the backdrop of these perspective shattering facts?

As many of us struggle with the greater questions on the meaning of life, the pursuit of happiness and purpose, this question is both meaningless and our road to salvation.

When we examine the profound statements of Carl Sagan, he eloquently reflects on how “[o]ur planet is a lonely spec in the great enveloping cosmic dark.”  He challenges us to:

“Look again at that dot.  That’s here. That’s home.  That’s us.  On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives.  The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every “superstar,” every “supreme leader,” every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there-on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.”

I’m not really sure how to process something which so completely obliterates my limited perspective…  But it seems there is some kind of grace in pushing forward exactly because of this truth.  Continuing to strive for decency, to practice compassion and empathy with the complete understanding that it both doesn’t matter and is the only thing which matters.  It matters for the same reason that one should strive to do the right thing when no one is looking.

So, what’s the practical lesson?  Well, at a minimum, it’s a tool to help us “get a grip” the next time we are quick to anger or frustration over what is guaranteed to be something insignificant, because it’s all insignificant.  And it’s a reminder that striving to do the right thing must be it’s own reward.  To quiet the internal voices of discord and bring some level of inner calm.  So, even from a purely self interested perspective,  one should embrace our own insignificance.

 

Additional Reading

Align your time with your values – live deliberately.

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There can be no confusion, time is our most valuable currency.  This non renewable commodity can be exchanged for almost anything, but curiously is most commonly traded for money.

People often say they would have done things differently in hindsight, but we ignore the power of foresight.  Time must be spent in furtherance of our goals.  Bill Gates is reported to have said that “[m]ost people overestimate what they can do in one year and underestimate what they can do in ten years.”  Just imagine what you can accomplish in a lifetime…

Don’t fritter away your precious few grains of sand, but spend them deliberately, in furtherance and alignment with your values.

Additional Reading